my hands

Sometimes I hold my own hands
and they feel so small
tiny as an infant’s
so tiny and so fragile

And yet they feel so old
so ancient
full of deep secrets
and unspoken fears
slender bones of unknowable strength
covered in a fine veil
of such vulnerable flesh

These hands have penned many words
including the ones you read here
They have played the music
which begs to be heard
music which writes itself of thin air
a spirit which teaches my fingers
songs my fingers know not

These hands are an extension
of my very heart
These hands ache for others to hold
These hands want to give
but find themselves empty after so many years
These hands now long so dearly to be filled
but they do not know how to receive

I am the small fragile hands
of an impossibly large spirit
so strong and so beautiful
that it frightens me
because these hands hold the weight
of that which is unseen
eternal divinity

not the 99

I am not the 99
I am the 1 who left your side
I’ve skipped town
and if you want me back
you’re gonna have to chase me down
break my legs, carry me back
So go ahead and do it
If you love me
here’s your chance to prove it
Otherwise
it’s just me
myself
and I
off to find
if the grass is any greener
on the other side

all over

Rushing again and again
love me leave me
sweep me away…
but I’m still on the beach

Nothing is real
but the sun
and this sand
The waves are always temporary

And it’s all over
all over again

they call it awakening

the breakup breaks down
to a breakthrough of breaking

the uprising is an upswelling
of your uppermost limits

an implosion of explosion
shrinking in and tearing out

a voice swallowing itself while screaming
a vessel catching it’s own spilling

they call it awakening:
the fine edge of death and new beginnings

we only exist right now

“There is only Right Now
No past with its failures
No future with its accomplishments
There is only Right Now
with the me that Is”
there is only Right Now 7/7/17

For years, I’ve been trying really hard to get my shit together. To organize my life. To figure out how to operate and get things done. Yet I keep finding myself in roughly the same places I’ve already been. I make improvements in the way I view myself and the world, but so far it hasn’t quite translated into a successful daily life. 

I keep telling myself it takes time. One day I’ll be better, I’ll get it figured out, and my life won’t be such a mess.

And then it occured to me the other day that I might be approaching this whole thing the wrong way. I started thinking about the moment, the present, and how this is all there is. 

I feel like I’ve been pouring too much energy into Future Me, while ignoring Present Me. Basically, I think about the person I want to be, and work on being that. But somehow that completely overlooks the person I am right now.

Future Me is great. Future Me has endless energy. Future Me is self-confident, less distracted, and highly motivated. Future Me is so accomplished, so on fire, so unstoppable. Future Me is OVERFLOWING WITH AWESOMESAUCE.

I’ve been trying to borrow some of that energy, confidence, motivation, and focus from Future Me in order to become Future Me. But here’s the deal: Future Me doesn’t exist. Only Present Me exists. 

Truth: the future doesn’t exist. The past doesn’t even exist. The only thing that exists, is Now. The Present. This is all there is.  

Future Me doesn’t exist. She’s not real. I can’t live through her. I can’t become her. She never has and never will exist. Because the future doesn’t exist. There is only this present moment.

There is only me, who I AM. Not who I will be or even who I was. There is only who I AM, Right Now. 

THAT’s the girl I need to be focusing on. I need to realistically evaluate who I am right now– what sets me off and what gets me going. Realistically understand what Present Me can and cannot handle or tolerate. Not what I THINK I should handle according to the Future Me that I’d like to be. But actually who the Me that IS can deal with. I’ve got to work with Present Me instead of forcing her into situations she’s not prepared for.

The more I focus on the future, the less available I am for the Me that Is, which guarantees I will never ever become Future Me. 

Everything lately keeps telling me to “SLOW DOWN.” Just be. Just dwell here in this moment of eternity and be. Let yourself BE.

Somehow, in slowing down into the present moment, I can find the grace I need. When I stop viewing Present Me as a hindrance to Future Me, I then see Present Me as someone who needs a lot of love and grace. Present Me is in a lot of pain. Present Me needs to be acknowledged and validated. Present Me is terribly confused and is in desperate need of patient kindness and understanding. 

Present Me isn’t a hindrance. Present Me is the key to everything I want to be. Because deep down inside of me, I already am who I want to be. It’s just covered up and buried under a billion layers of issues that need to be processed with a whole lot of grace.

And that’s the thing… grace isn’t a future concept, a future gift. Grace is a gift for the moment. Grace is available here and now. The Bible says that Jesus died for us WHILE we were sinners. He didn’t die for our Future Perfect Selves. He died for our needy desperate Present Selves. That’s where we find grace. Not in the future. But right now. 

The me that IS is the me I have to live with for the rest of my life, for the rest of my present moments. I’ve got to be nice to her. I’ve got to love her for who she is. The love and grace I give to her in the present moment is what will nurture her soul into becoming the truest expression of who she really is.

It all starts with recognizing that I AM, right here, right now. 

when the grass is light

I have this habit of sorta sabatoging myself all the time. I’m starting to wonder if I fell into this recent pit of depression for the sole purpose of blogging.

Scratch that. That makes no sense.

Either way, I’ve fallen into this pit and I’m not sure how to get out at the moment and honestly, I’m not even sure I want out. My apathy is that great right now. Apathy is always a little scary for me, since I live to feel everything. When I get apathetic, I get a little worred. Except that I’m apathetic and don’t really care.

Like an idiot, I question myself/God/universe/my bagel/the dishwasher (if I had one), “Why am I depressed right now?” as if there is one thing setting me off. And then I answer myself (because it would be weird if my bagel talked back), “Grace, it’s not one thing. It’s a LOT of things.” Ohhhh, right. Yeah. Everything is bothering me all at once. 

Whhhyyyyy…..

………………..

But does it even matter?

I stare out my bedroom window at the field and see the tall stalks of grass gently bowing and swaying in the breeze, and time comes to a standstill. It hit me the other day as I wrote in my journal. I looked out the window, as I am doing right now, and found myself moving with the grass. I’m not in here, I’m out there. In here is grumpiness and sadness, and out there is freedom and stillness. Inside is stagnant and gross, outside is movement and grace. 

It’s a moment of beauty in the midst of ugliness. 

Ah, what is this feeling? What is this pulling? It is an invitation. An invitation to open up. An invitiation to engage the desires laying dormant within the soul. It is a tender fierceness which longs for me. 

“What you seek is seeking you.” -Rumi

Love exists. It’s here, all around us. It never leaves. It is our own blindness which convinces us it is not here. And the fact that I can say this in the midst of feeling like shit only proves my point. 

This is what I can be thankful for. That despite the deep darkness I find myself in, I can always find a light. Always. It has far more to do with Love’s relentless pursuit of me than my pursuit of her (Love is feminine in my world). She sneaks in when I least expect it. And yes Grace, go ahead and feel like shit. You’ll discover the greater purpose for it soon enough. But you better take a long moment to feel thankful for these moments of clarity and light. That gratitude is a tiny mustard seed of faith, and faith is all I’ve got.

These are my ramblings. This is the only way I process. And I’m glad to be blogging again, because getting my words out there is one of the greatest forms of therapy for me. Will my words help you? I don’t know, and honestly, that’s not my purpose in sharing. I share because I have to. Because I’ll go crazy if I don’t. It’s just an added benefit if it touches another in any positive way. 

I have zero idea if this post will have any meaning to anyone else. But if it does, thank Love. 

day drinking

Every time I drink, I remember why I don’t drink.

My poor hyper-sensitive system cannot tolerate alcohol at all. Just a couple ounces and I start out laughing and laughing and then mumbling/yelling about the meaning of life and then I feel like I’m moving in extremely slow motion. I feel awful. My head feels sick. 

When I feel like life is overwhelming, I want to start drinking, because that’s what everyone else does. I was under the impression that people drink to forget their problems. Sure, let’s try that! Oh no. When I drink, all my problems become amplified times a hundred.

It’s just not fair. I want to be typical too. I want to be the slobbering drunk texting people she has no business texting. Or… something like that.

Nah, I’m just that girl who pretty much acts drunk without drinking, and then drinking actually crashes the whole party.

I’m not drunk. But I am seriously affected. And this post is a result of this affection. I guess this is my version of drunk texting. Tispy blogging. God, that is so nerdy.

Grace, never drink again. Especially when you don’t even like the taste of alcohol. How can you people drink this shit and ENJOY it? What is wrong with everyone? 

What is wrong with me? Why am I writing this stupidity? Ah, because my desire to be heard never quite goes awway. Fart fart fart in your face.

hahahahahaha now I’m laughing again. Why is everything so funny?

When I’m really depressed, everything gets a million times funnier. It’s a little odd and twisted, but that’s what happens. Humor will always be my defense against everything I don’t want to feel. Either I’m going to sit here staring into nothing with my face sagging into hell, or I’m going to find every possible absurd thing and laugh at it. There is no in between. The world is a comedy or it is a tragedy. 

These words will never be enough.

Ok, there’s my bullshit nonsense for the day. Hopefully one of these days I’ll actually write something worth reading.  

there is only Right Now

There is only Right Now
No past with its failures
No future with its accomplishments
There is only Right Now
with the me that Is.

Right now
I am the dividing line
between light and darkness
The hovering of a spirit
not at rest in either world
I am the struggle of mental power
that is losing its charge
misfiring
and malfunctioning
Struggling to make sense
of itself
and it’s surroundings

I’m good intentions gone to crap
A schedule quickly unraveling
A body that can’t keep up
with the spirit and mind’s incessant bickering
An internal war
And the me that Is
is the real casualty

I am dead
I am alive
I am the angry adult
and the child who cries
I’m the edge of consciousness
the cliff of broken dreams
I am the sum of parts
too blind to be seen

What am I now?
I am all of the things
that refuse to be tallied and quantified
A voice which speaks the truth
while whispering dull lies

I’m a question mark
A story with no end
and no beginning
I encircle the circle of life
A massive womb always stretching
I’m mother and baby caught in transition
This moment is eternal
There is only Now
No before or after
I dwell in this pregnant pause
of everything I cannot see
but can only feel.

There is only Right Now
A heart struggling to heal.

If You’re Having a Hard Time, Read This.

So good.

Denise Minger

First, watch this. 0:24-0:31 is the most important part.

You’re welcome. Now let me tell you a story.

Many years ago, on a family vacation in Canada, I sat on the oceanside steps of a bed and breakfast and cried until I couldn’t breathe. I was sixteen and living on melons and lettuce. Ninety pounds. Ribs like a birdcage. Hair ripping out in clumps every time I brushed it. My raw vegan honeymoon had exploded, and I was left writhing atop its shrapnel—stuck in that awful space of knowing something was very, very wrong but not knowing how to fix it.

The B&B host sat chain-smoking a few yards away, pretending not to see. I loved him so much for not asking if I was okay. Inside our room, my wonderful, rightfully distraught parents were discussing my “situation,” thinking I couldn’t hear. Their murmurs bled through the wall and mixed with the…

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Novocaine for Nihilism

Eric Hyde's Blog

Nihilism is a tricky mode of existence. How does one continue existing, in an existence one finds thoroughly meaningless, when one’s very being demands love and relationship with others to survive?

Dostoevsky has a scene in the Brother’s Karamazov where a man, an elder of an Orthodox monastery, explains how the more he “loves humanity in general, the less [he] love man in particular.” This is a typical mode of being for many today whom favor the crowd to the individual. Think of those social justice warriors, those businessmen, those entertainers, artists, and others who set their life agendas on specific outcomes where the crowd takes precedence over the individual.  Yet the crowd is an illusion, the public a phantom (Kierkegaard). Can one exist in a love relationship with an illusion? Is there any relationship – any personal love given with reciprocal personal love received – possible with a crowd?…

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